I only blog when totally friggin' pissed off.  Or when major life events occur like snagging Mark Cuban's signature.

I hate women.  And I don't mean women in general, I mean the kind of whiny women who want to blame other women for the problems in their marriages as opposed to blaming the slime bag husband they knowingly married.  Cryptic enough? 

All I'm saying is that if you are a married man or unmarried for that matter, and you plan on making a pass at me, and I refuse your advance and inform my fiancé, and you continue to make an ass of yourself, and then your wife finds out that we communicated as friends at one time before you made a TOTAL ass of yourself, and you try to throw me under the bus and make me out to be the bad girl, and I have to listen to your wife talk about me in a rather unkind way...chances are that eventually the truth is going to come out...like maybe when I forward her the emails you've sent along with my responses...emails that MY fiancé has known about all along.  Don't say I didn't warn you.


Okay enough of that...

There doesn't seem to be much appreciation for this tale here in Charlotte and I've been asked at least twice "Who's Mark Cuban?"…but I feel confident you all will share my enthusiasm, pretend to even if you don't as I am in a shitty mood.

So we went to the Bobcat's basketball game the other night to watch the Dallas Mavericks kick some ass.  I don't care too much for the NBA but I dig the Mavericks and always have.

I wore my Maverick colors and boldly cheered for Dallas.  We were sitting in a section very close to the one where Mark Cuban was and Fiancé said that if I was going to watch Cuban instead of the game I might as well try to get his signature.  It took a little bit of begging with the security guard but I managed to weasel my way in to his section.  Then I had no pen.  Cuban said, sorry sugar, no pen no autograph.  I begged another security guard for a pen.  He was hesitant at best but I pleaded my case with the whole "Dallas native and long time fan of the Mavs" thing.  I must say, he wasn't overly friendly but Fiancé thinks that might be becauseI had him sign a picture of the Bobcat's star player Gerald Wallace.  Could be he's just an egotistical jerk.  Oh well.

• While Proactive cannot be heated and smoked like crack, it does make a "crackling" sound as the tiny little crystallized granules who exfoliate my face are scrubbed in a circular motion.
  

• Because crack is smoked, the user experiences a high instantly as large quantities of the drug are immediately delivered to the central nervous system.  Similarly, using Proactive delivers large quantities of the product to the pores, producing an immediate and intense euphoric effect as it leaves my face looking and feeling as though I actually have the skin I wish I had.

• Crack and Proactive are powerfully addictive drugs.  When I get close to running out of Proactive, I become nervous and shaky and agitated and start to wonder whether or not my dealer at the Proactive Solution Clear Skin Club has shipped my monthly supply and auto billed my checking account for the nominal fee of $49.23 for the three precious vials.

• Proactive, like crack, is readily available.  In the event that I have overly tapped my stash of Proactive before I receive the next month's automatic shipment, I can drive to the mall and visit my backup dealer at the kiosk near the food court where I willingly purchase, at a higher premium, a bottle of whichever product is depleted.
  

• Using crack and/or Proactive produces unusually aggressive and paranoid behavior.  When said automatic shipment does not arrive in 7-10 business days, I start to wonder if the mail person is snaking my products and think about confronting her/him while holding the leash of a snarling pit bull.  Also when completing said public mall transaction, I find myself looking around to see if anyone is watching and always wear my sunglasses.

• Use of crack (and coincidentally Proactive) may lead to severe psychological or physical dependence. I've tried to quit using the Proactive but it seems my skin now craves the 2.5% prescription-grade benzoyl peroxide and goes into some kind of dermatological arrest demanding more of the chemical and forcing me to constantly fear that the company will someday discontinue the production of this beast that should be considered a Schedule II substance under the Controlled Substances Act.

• The National Household Survey on Drug Abuse indicates that an estimated 6,222,000 U.S. residents aged 12 and older used crack at least once in their lifetime.  Much the same, according to Proactive's website, "Millions of people have discovered Proactiv Solution and changed their lives for the better. Many of these people say the same thing: Proactiv Solution really works."

• For all of the above reasons I have contacted Drs. Katie Rodan and Kathy A. Fields, the brainchildren behind Proactive Solution, and suggested that the three step Combination Therapy system be renamed.  I have included the following suggestions and am awaiting their decision.
  

  24-7 Badrock Beat Candy Chemical Cloud Cookies Crumbs Crunch & munch

  Devil drug Dice Electric kool-aid Fat bags French fries Glo Gravel Grit Hail

  Hard ball Hard rock Hotcakes Ice cube Jelly beans Nuggets Paste Piece Prime time

  Product Raw Rock(s) Scrabble Sleet Snow coke Tornado Troop

• Billy accidentally sets the protected dunes on fire at the beach over Thanksgiving resulting in a drunk Coco standing in the ring of fire while shoveling sand in a valiant attempt to save the dunes, which she eventually did and with only minor burns despite the fact that said fire starter squirted a water hose at the flames and yelled "I've got it, don't worry!" only to have the stream of water fall a full 10 yards short of the blaze.  In hindsight, he swears he was creating a "burn barrier".

• Big Brad shoots a bottle rocket into the air that goes up, comes down, and lands smack dab in the box of remaining firecrackers (and I mean big firecrackers - not sparklers) at the beach resulting in 9 children screaming and running wildly through the night.  Fortunately there were no injuries but the children are now traumatized for life.

• Coco visits her smashingly handsome yet highly smarmy doctor, who happens to be an acquaintance of her fiancé, for treatment of what he laughingly called a "ridiculously small" hemorrhoid.  Now I am traumatized for life.

• I won 18 dollars in the Powerball drawing.

• For some insane reason I have agreed to run (walk) in the Jingle Jog this weekend...at 8 a.m....in the cold...with my daughters.  I'll be there with bells on...literally.
  

Beej sent me a nice e-card cause she's sweet like that...(ha!)  I will share it with you cause I'm sweet like that too...(ha, ha!)

clicky here -->  Coco's e-greeting from Beej

The oldest child or "Strawberry" as her teammates have nicknamed her was chosen as one of 14 girls from a pool of 85 seventh and eighth graders to play volleyball for her middle school team!  Yippee! More evenings out and running all over creation to every danged school in the county!  Despite my cynicism I am quite proud of her because she rocks.  I'd also like to add that she is taller than me at 13 and has a size 9 and a half foot.  She is, in the words of Pateriko, "a giant".

Little m&m has joined Girls On the Run and is actively training for a 5K.  When they run, they receive a jelly bracelet for each "lap" they complete and her left arm is now covered in colored plastic and she looks like Cindy Lauper.  I don't mind so much because I like her bunches.  Her coach says that when she completes her run, she goes back to run alongside and encourage the slower girls until they finish.

Action Jackson is a baseball star, watch for him in next year's Little League World Series.

According to slick Willy, my fiancé, I have nice knees.  He sure knows how to make a girl feel special.

As you can see this whole job thing has thrown off my "blog groove", not that I had an actual blog "groove" but for the sake of conversation let's say I did and now it shimmies like a middle aged white man.  Nonetheless the job is great but I do have a few minor points of interest I'd like to highlight.

There is the Frenchman; we'll call him Philippe since that's his name.  Philippe, I have been told, has just recently begun wearing deodorant for which I am thankful.  Philippe's favorite pastime is telling me through voice and email conversation that he is veree faamoose (very famous) in the digital animation world and that we do not appreciate his talents.  I assume he tells me this because everyone else has already heard it which might explain the giggles from the peanut gallery when they see that he has me cornered.  Philippe is also very sensitive and any constructive criticism from our Director causes him to be and I quote "Eeeehhh how do you say, hooomileeeashuun and sadkneeees."  Past tense Philippe...humiliated and sad.  Yesterday I told Philippe that when he came to America, he should have stopped at the duty free shop to pick himself up a "set" (of balls that is) because in the states men don't tell other men, "You have wounded me vrreee diply."  Okay I didn't say that, sheesh.

I should give a shout out to Bernhard, the Austrian who at the end of every conversation says, "Yah that is crazy good no?!?"  I've yet to meet "Gary" from Taiwan because his visa done run out.  I don't believe "Gary" is his given name, I believe his given name was wong or something that made everyone call him Gary.

There is also a nice sweet boy who, and I kid you not, looks JUST LIKE JESUS, but without the sandals and dirty feet.  If I make eye contact with him for too long I start to feel like I need to apologize for something or ask him to forgive me.

As I side note, I have explained to Beej that I now work in an "OPEN" office environment which equates to all of my coworkers being able to see my computer screen.  So my day blogging is limited to early morning and days when people are not sitting behind me.

Went to Boone, NC this past weekend for the App game...don't park at the apartments behind the main drag...your Sequoia will be towed and you will have to tell the dirty tow truck man you are diabetic to make him hurry up and come to the tow lot and then your fiancé will have to pay that same toothless man 80 bucks to release your car and then that same fiancé will make you pay for dinner.

I so DIG my new job...but tonight I had wine and goat cheese for dinner because I was too tired to eat.

When I have worked at the new establishment for more than a week I might just blog on my spiffy laptop.

REAL JOB = REAL LACK OF DOWN TIME

In case you haven't heard...
App State won a ball game Saturday.

Now let's all practice saying the name of the school correctly.  Appalachian -- The third syllable is like "la" in "latch" or "last".  App-uh-"la"-chun.  Phonetically it might be Apple-atch-un.  Work with me here people...it is NOT App-a-lay-chain.  Or App-a-lay-shun.  Sheesh.

If you'd like to purchase tickets for future App games you may click here --->GoASU.com  Homecoming is October 6 and it's sunnier on the east side and therefore warmer so I recommend those seats.  I also recommend that you drink many beers in the parking lot before the game or bring tiny bottles of refreshment discreetly hidden in your jacket...but that's optional.